Shifting Judgement to Curiosity — My Response to Online Hate
Caley Honeywell
For a very long time, I eschewed social media. I made a conscious decision not to have cable in the house while raising our daughters. We didn’t get them phones until they were in high school. I reiterated the word, ‘present’ over and over to them. I asked them to be present, not with their heads in a phone. Dinners were for conversation and catching up with each other … not checking to see who has texted. I truly believe they have grown into lovely young ladies and humans, possessing the ability to engage with people and an aptitude for listening and creating intelligent dialogue.
When the harsh reality of COVID-19 came upon the world in February, and the directives changed hourly from all levels of government … I am one of the fortunate people to live in Canada, where our leaders that make the big decisions were deferring to the medical experts. As I watched the daily briefing from our British Columbia Public Health Officer, Dr. Bonnie Henry, I became acutely aware that I was going to heed every bit of her advice. Amidst all the fear and questions, she was the calm voice reassuring us all that we would get through this. Together.
Out of all the negativity and chaos, the 7 PM cheer emerged in the West End of Vancouver. One night I heard some pots and pans being banged, and clapping. I looked outside, and there were a few people hanging out their windows making noise. I quickly found out that it was in support of front line workers. The next night, I decided to head to my rooftop patio and play my saxophone. Being uniquely Canadian, and incredibly proud of how our country was responding to this pandemic, I decided to play O Canada, our national anthem as a way of uniting all of us.
Canadians. Together.
That decision made an enormous impact on a lot of people.
In the span of a few short days, someone had recorded me on the roof and posted it to Facebook and within days it had amassed over 15, 000 views. I reluctantly re-emerged onto Facebook, after being quite absent for years. Interestingly enough, I joined Facebook in 2007 after being ‘invited’ to join from my daughters babysitter, six months after Facebook went online.
At this point, the reaction was so overwhelmingly positive I decided to keep playing, posting videos to Facebook and Instagram and it was embraced wholeheartedly by literally everyone. Radio stations were calling to interview me. Local banks wanted to use my performances in their ads. Even Facebook reached out and offered me a spot in one of their online ads. Appreciative neighbours were taping Thank You cards to my front door.
I was being referred to as Vancouver’s Sax Lady in online news magazines, Rooftop Sax Goddess on Reddit … however I gave myself the moniker of Pied Piper of Unity.
And I played every night for 40 nights.
One night I received a message to my Instagram Ethno who wanted to see if I would be amenable to creating a short documentary about my performances, and my choice of supporting the true heroes of this pandemic with the National Anthem. He lived a few buildings down from me, and had heard me playing.
We created something really great. A 5 minute short on how music has changed my life, and we were both totally on the same page in that we wanted to dedicate it to the frontline healthcare workers, first responders, and essential services of the coronavirus. To date, it has close to 15, 000 views on various platforms and I think it’s really resonated with people. One phone call in particular I received, they said, “Caley, if you can inspire a kid to pick up a musical instrument instead of a drink, or a pill … you’ve done a great service.”
Indeed.
My re-emergence on to Facebook was so positive … not just for the #7PMcheer … but reconnecting with good friends from my elementary school days, high school, my band teachers, my College saxophone instructor who is a legend in the Canadian jazz scene … it all felt so good. Especially during the dark times of COVID-19.
Until the online hate.
And targeted bullying.
Not just from one person, but from their followers. They couldn’t be singular in their hostility towards me, they had to encourage their Facebook friends to follow suit. There is a phrase … violence begets violence. Apparently it’s been around since the 1830’s. Hate begets hate — meaning that violent behaviour promotes other violent behaviour in return. So after 38 days of love and positivity and national pride, and doing my best to highlight the frontline workers during COVID-19, I became the target of some very cruel and unhappy people.
I don’t know if you, the reader of this editorial, has ever experienced bullying. I have. There were a particular few YEARS in elementary school where I was the victim. Shunned and taunted. Many times I was followed home while the leader who insisted we all call her The Queen gathered her haters together to hurl insults at me and came up with the nickname, “Virginia” as in the Virginia flatlands … I had no breasts while my girlfriends did. It was whispered to me in the classroom, yelled out at me while I walked down the hall … when they deigned to even acknowledge me for fear The Queen would find out I was receiving any attention … albeit negative and insidious. And when I say ignored, I mean virtually everyone ignored and shunned me. Recess was not about going outside and playing with my friends, it was spent hiding in the school crying and feeling sick. That’s how much power The Queen had over our peers. 10 and 11 year olds.
I wrote a song entitled, “The Queen.” Here is one of the verses:
Walking on home
Taunted along
The names never stopped
Intimidation strong
Shame on me
The next day around
Yesterday’s me
I’m right behind
Songwriting has gotten me through a lot.
That bullying permeated my life. Truly. Seems like a grandiose statement … but it has affected all of my relationships in one way or another.
I then went to Junior High School, discovered the saxophone and an amazing band teacher … and my life was forever changed.
After the ethno. documentary aired, I was receiving a fair bit of attention … and then it started.
The direct hateful messages to my Instagram and Facebook accounts and the nasty comments on my timelines. It took me a couple of days to find them all so I could delete them. I also had to privatize my accounts.
Pretty sad.
They even found Dylan, my new buddy who was behind the documentary, and posted negative comments and abrasive messages on his site in an attempt to further their message.
The scope of this, and how it affected me, was big. Especially since the #7pm cheer was literally the only bright spot in my daily life while self isolating during COVID. It was a huge wake up call. I was obviously aware of online hate, and cyber bullying… but I hadn’t been the target before. It was a sobering reality check.
And, in turn, a lesson.
Everyone asks me why. “Why did they target you?” After the first few hours of going through the nasty messages, I couldn’t do it anymore. I just hit delete without reading them.
I don’t care ‘why’ frankly. It doesn’t matter. What matters is … thankfully I’m an adult with some life experience. Not particularly vulnerable. No significant mental wellness issues. Because if I had? I would be giving these people, these bullies … the power. The power over me. And it could have been a much different story. What would have happened if this collective hate tipped me over a ledge that I was balancing on precariously? Emotionally?
And like all faceless bullies in emotionless mediums like Facebook … no accountability or responsibility.
So guess what?
I refused to give them the platform and attention that they are so desperately craving by acknowledging them and what their issue is with me. I refused to promote … hate. I could have reposted their cutting remarks, their cruel comments. People asked me to out them.
Nope.
What I want to do?
I want to thank them.
Thank you bullies … for highlighting what is already out there. Thank you for making me aware, hyper aware of online hate. Because I now have a very small window into the Amanda Todd’s and Demi Lovato’s of the world. The list of victims is in the hundreds of thousands I’m sure. The young. The vulnerable. That don’t necessarily have coping skills in place yet.
So now? I am filled with purpose. I am moving forward from this experience with a sense of advocacy. I want to help people. More specifically at risk youth. Help them somehow in acquiring a foundation and platform in order to have the tools to deal.
TOOLS TO DEAL.
Because this world we live in? We are moving forward to even more of an online existence while we wait out the pandemic.
So thank you online haters, for waking me up to a need.
Because I’m going to fill it.
I wrote a song that I want to donate proceeds to combat online hate for youth. It’s called, “High Road.”
Because I took it.
The High Road
And with this song and message … I want to encourage everyone …
When coming up against bullies and haters.
Don’t engage.
Just take the High Road and #ignore.
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